Missed

I see something not every day but on a pretty regular basis that makes me kind of sad. a freshly dug grave, a lawn chair, and an old man... usually with his feet propped up on the grave. I often wonder who it is he visits; a dearly loved wife who was lost tragically to something like cancer or old age; or an old hunting buddy that he's been friend with his whole life? regardless of who it is it's someone who he cares about dearly and is missed very much.
I wrote that a few weeks ago, I haven't seen the man in awhile until today. Its a little rainy this morning yet he sits beside the grave reading a book. What is he reading? A favorite book that belonged to the other person? Is he reading to himself or out loud? I've noticed he always has a book, was reading together one way they used to spend their time?
I haven't completely wrapped my mind around this. Does he miss this person that much, is there that huge of a void in his life and his heart? I do believe yes...
I can't imagine, I don't want to face that day...losing my best friend and love of my life...I don't know if i could cope...my heart goes out to this man. Sometimes i want to stop and talk to him, hear his story...but then I don't want to interrupt his time with his loved one.

Who cares

I'm trying to learn not to burden you with my problems, you've made it clear you don't want to hear them. Enough people burden you with their problems throughout the day, you just want to come home to a happy home. Why let little things bother me, you don't. Why should I care if you don't?
They may not be big problems to you, but they are something to me. I don't need you to fix it, I just need you to listen to me. I need to know that I matter enough to you that you'll give me a few minutes...but you don't and even though you keep telling me that isn't what your saying I hear, «I don't love you or care enough about you and your thoughts or feelings to listen or be concerned. My problems are more important, is that all you have to worry about?»
There will come a point when I'll stop telling you my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my cares, my problems, my opinions; and when you ask why? I'm going to tell you because I never thought I mattered enough to share. When I did you didn't listen to what I had to say or you didn't care anyway...
I'm not mad or angry, just sad...sad that the one person God gave me to be my partner doesn't care enough about me to listen to me...if i were someone else you'd listen...
So I'm trying to figure out how to bottle it back up, that's what I did for so long, kept it all inside. I didn't share with anyone, keep it to yourself and you won't be hurt. Keep it to myself so I don't burden you, and then maybe we can all be happy. You keep telling me that I'm in a bad mood half the time you are around me...so I need to fix that, because my bad mood drives you to texting someone else because there is no conflict for you there...dive you away, not because I'm trying, but it doesn't seem to stop you...
Not sure I know how to fix me, I've never been the type to plaster fake similes on my face and pretend everything is ok, soak my toes in syrup and maybe I'll figure out how to do that...fixing meer seems to be the only answer because you don't seem to care enough to budge...fix me, please God fix me

Getting over it

I am very thankful for my four best friends, they are the constants in my life...three live way too far away and one is thankfully within screaming distance...they keep me grounded...even with a quick 10 minute phone call I feel better...they accept me for who I am, never make me apologize for it and well honestly if something comes out of my mouth they don't like they tell me about it right then lol...I don't believe in sugar coating things, I don't lie, and I don't apologize for who I am or what I say...I will apologize if you take it the wrong way, if I wanted to be ugly you'll surly know it...i don't have time for petty things in my life, not when I have a four year old who doesn't want to get dressed because his movie isn't over, moving to worry about, a husband to make breakfast for, animals to feed, gas and groceries to buy, a costume to worry about remembering...I don't have time for petty things in my life. I do realize what maybe small to me is large to someone else, but maybe they should analyze it before they get bent out of shape about it...something I'm trying to do myself...I have a house to clean and things to do, I do not care to be eaten up with things half the night and morning, because someone didn't like something I said, because I'm sure there are many things people say that I don't like, I just don't have time to tell them about it...

A few things learned

A few things I've learned...you praise God for the rain no matter if it's a few drops or a flood; and then you dance and play in it! You don't complain about the heat when you've experienced hotter; 90 degree days are better than 100 degrees any day...
Find the beauty in life

Missing you...

July 7, 2004...eight years since you made a decision that affected so many lives, I can still remember that dreadful phone call I got at work that night...I think about you often, but I've been thinking about you a lot more lately; situations in the lives of some loved ones have something to do with it...part of me hates you for taking your life. That shouldn't have been your decision to make. You left behind so many people that loved you. I wish you could have been stronger to fight your demons...
the rest of my heart hopes and prays you found the peace you were desperately searching for.
I can still see the firetruck carrying your casket to the cemetery your sister is buried in...I can still hear the tones ringing across radios in your honor...any time I hear tones my mind goes straight to you...
Your sense of humor was infectious, your laughter contagious and your friendship ever lasting. You could bring me out of a funk, with a wink and a grin...sing that goofy Gorillaz song or break out with something from Saliva... How I miss you.
..I pray your watching over your beautiful children protecting them, their guardian angel...
I hope you know that you are still loved and missed by many...

Friends versus disappointment

Find out who your friends are, find out who you can count on...find yourself in a time of need; a blown out tire, moving day...they're the ones who show up no questions asked, no bribing, no twisting of arms...even if they don't want to, they show up anyway...
Want to know who your friends are, want to know who cares...they're the ones who ask before you speak, who take your kid so you can go to work or have a day to yourself...they give you a hard time with a smile, they help you through the hard times with a smile...they keep your secrets, they know you as good as or better than your spouse...
Find out who your friend are, found out who my friends are...

Little boy

God blessed me with a little boy,
He knew I wasn't frilly and pink or into tutus
He blessed me with a little boy who is ruff and tuff and into cowboy boots
So while I should be raking old dead leaves and cleaning up the yard, we've found a bed of worms
so we are hunting them instead
God blessed me with a little boy,
no pink just blue with a little dirt mixed in too