"a bad day again"

If I knew how to answer you, I would; if I knew what you wanted me to say, I’d say it; if I knew how you wanted me to act, I’d be that way…but I don’t. I only know how to be me, and half the time I’m not really sure how to do that. I don’t know how you want me to act, I don’t know what you want me to do, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be to make you happy. We’ve been down this road before, seems like we come down it more and more often; it’s the same bumps and roadblocks, and it always comes back to I have a bad attitude, I’m negative, I don’t know how to not get upset when something doesn’t go right, full circle always brings it back to me. “Why can’t you talk about it, why can’t you explain, I’m trying to understand, but you don’t make it easy…” Because I don’t know what you want…how am I supposed to handle disappointment? With a smile? How am I supposed to react when something upsets me? With a smile? I’m not covered in syrup; I don’t know how to be sticky sweet. I don’t know how to smile even though I want to scream. I shut up and then I shut down, I get angry and I show it. It’s always the same, “I’m about fed up with your attitude…” what exactly are you going to do? And, what do you want me to do… Yes, I got disappointed over something this morning. Yes, I clamed up so I wouldn’t make a fuss…apparently that wasn’t good enough. Yes, something didn’t go your way this morning and I told you to figure it out and I hung up on you…yes, I didn’t answer you when you called me back. I figured you had an attitude, because I hung up on you and because you were irritated with what had just happened…I told you to figure it out, I had something to do. That did not give you an excuse to blow up on me the way you did…that did not give you the right, to cuss me the way you did, to say the ugly words you spewed at me…that did not give you the right. And then you tell me you apologized earlier for it, no you never actually apologized. And the longer you stood there and talked to me the more your apology started having conditions…if you lost signal, if something had happened and you couldn’t answer your phone, or if there was no signal and you never got my phone calls…I stopped you right there because I knew what was about to come out of your mouth…You know I hung up on you on purpose, and you know I didn’t answer your phone calls… but you kept talking…if those things happen, then I apologize for what I said to you. But…that’s always the word that fucks it all up…but, if none of that happened, then I don’t apologize for what I said…that’s all I needed to hear, and I walked inside. I’m done talking to you, I’m done…I don’t know how to answer you, I don’t know how to be the person you want me to be, I don’t know how to slap a smile on my face and pretend that I’m not hurt, or disappointed, or pissed off, I don’t know how to be someone else or something I’m not. You don’t want me around you when I’m in a bad mood, or having a bad day, or negative…maybe I should go all together. You want to understand, but there is SO much about me you can’t even begin to wrap your mind around…you don’t understand depression, nothing seems to ever upset you except of course me, you don’t understand… I’m to the point I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I need to be, or want to be…