Facing Fears

We are all afraid of something. Me, I'm afraid of the dark, yes at 30 years old I am still afraid of the dark. I can not go into a dark room or house. I turn lights on as I go from room to room and then turn them off as I make my way back. I'm not afraid of being outside in the dark, just inside. I am afraid of snakes, can't even get close in the pet shop. I see them before anyone else does when we are outside. And, I am afraid of heights. I know that it is all in your head, but sometimes the voices in my head win; mind over matter, if you don't mind, it don't matter...well I mind. Shane, who is NOT afraid of heights, loves to rock climb. When I first got pregnant, I didn't know I was pregnant, we went to Horseshoe Cannon, in Arkansas to climb with some friends. No pressure, he said if I didn't want to climb I didn't have to. But, I thought how bad can it be... If you ever want to measure the trust you have in your significant other, put them at the bottom of a rope, while you climb up the side of a rock. Your life is literally in their hands. Now this would not be so bad if one, you aren't afraid of heights and two, you didn't out weigh the other person by 25-30 pounds. I kept imagining falling and passing Shane on the way up as I was going down. I didn't understand the fundamentals of climbing the first go around. As I went up my body began to shake and panic began to set in. So he was going to lower me, I thought someone was going to have to come up and get me. My first climb ended in tears and him hugging me and telling me it was OK. I did one more climb the next day, but he didn't belay me. I belayed a friend and after watching her swinging around on the rope and showing me that even if you fall, you didn't really fall. I had a little more confidence and I was able to climb a new problem and make it higher then the day before. Well that was a little over two years ago. Today we decided to go rock climbing with the kids. Clay climbed first. He did well, he had a few issues, but all in all he made it to the top. Andrew puttered around on the ground while all of this was going on. Once Clay came down, I got ready to start my way up. I know Clay made a comment about falling, but I wasn't listening to him as Shane tied my rope. I could feel the panic creeping into my chest. Shane told me not to listen to Clay, and I said I wasn't because I could feel the panic coming. I did OK for me. Shane talked me through were to put my hands and feet and I tried to listen. Every now and then I would just stop and shake my head no but, I would continue on a few minutes later. When I got to a shelf midway I knew I couldn't go any further. I had nothing to grab onto and not enough strength in my arms to push myself up. My legs were starting to shake and my arms ached. Clay was watching and was sweet enough to tell me he could see my legs shaking. I couldn't take it any more and had to come down... ha ha! Come down! I froze. I know I kept shaking my head no while Shane was telling me what to do. Put your feet straight out in front of you...I had to fight to get my legs to do what I wanted with a death grip on the rope and my legs out front Shane lowered me down. When I was a few feet from the bottom I sat down on a ledge and just stared at him. We both laughed, but we both knew what I was feeling. I will again climb, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. I know the climbing is good for building trust within our relationship and it gives us something to do together. I also know that it is good for me to face my fear of heights; I have to push past what is going on inside my head, which is very hard to do sometimes, but only by doing that will I accomplish anything. I am proud of myself, I didn't cry today...but my arms feel like putty!