Who cares

I'm trying to learn not to burden you with my problems, you've made it clear you don't want to hear them. Enough people burden you with their problems throughout the day, you just want to come home to a happy home. Why let little things bother me, you don't. Why should I care if you don't?
They may not be big problems to you, but they are something to me. I don't need you to fix it, I just need you to listen to me. I need to know that I matter enough to you that you'll give me a few minutes...but you don't and even though you keep telling me that isn't what your saying I hear, «I don't love you or care enough about you and your thoughts or feelings to listen or be concerned. My problems are more important, is that all you have to worry about?»
There will come a point when I'll stop telling you my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my cares, my problems, my opinions; and when you ask why? I'm going to tell you because I never thought I mattered enough to share. When I did you didn't listen to what I had to say or you didn't care anyway...
I'm not mad or angry, just sad...sad that the one person God gave me to be my partner doesn't care enough about me to listen to me...if i were someone else you'd listen...
So I'm trying to figure out how to bottle it back up, that's what I did for so long, kept it all inside. I didn't share with anyone, keep it to yourself and you won't be hurt. Keep it to myself so I don't burden you, and then maybe we can all be happy. You keep telling me that I'm in a bad mood half the time you are around me...so I need to fix that, because my bad mood drives you to texting someone else because there is no conflict for you there...dive you away, not because I'm trying, but it doesn't seem to stop you...
Not sure I know how to fix me, I've never been the type to plaster fake similes on my face and pretend everything is ok, soak my toes in syrup and maybe I'll figure out how to do that...fixing meer seems to be the only answer because you don't seem to care enough to budge...fix me, please God fix me

Getting over it

I am very thankful for my four best friends, they are the constants in my life...three live way too far away and one is thankfully within screaming distance...they keep me grounded...even with a quick 10 minute phone call I feel better...they accept me for who I am, never make me apologize for it and well honestly if something comes out of my mouth they don't like they tell me about it right then lol...I don't believe in sugar coating things, I don't lie, and I don't apologize for who I am or what I say...I will apologize if you take it the wrong way, if I wanted to be ugly you'll surly know it...i don't have time for petty things in my life, not when I have a four year old who doesn't want to get dressed because his movie isn't over, moving to worry about, a husband to make breakfast for, animals to feed, gas and groceries to buy, a costume to worry about remembering...I don't have time for petty things in my life. I do realize what maybe small to me is large to someone else, but maybe they should analyze it before they get bent out of shape about it...something I'm trying to do myself...I have a house to clean and things to do, I do not care to be eaten up with things half the night and morning, because someone didn't like something I said, because I'm sure there are many things people say that I don't like, I just don't have time to tell them about it...

A few things learned

A few things I've learned...you praise God for the rain no matter if it's a few drops or a flood; and then you dance and play in it! You don't complain about the heat when you've experienced hotter; 90 degree days are better than 100 degrees any day...
Find the beauty in life

Missing you...

July 7, 2004...eight years since you made a decision that affected so many lives, I can still remember that dreadful phone call I got at work that night...I think about you often, but I've been thinking about you a lot more lately; situations in the lives of some loved ones have something to do with it...part of me hates you for taking your life. That shouldn't have been your decision to make. You left behind so many people that loved you. I wish you could have been stronger to fight your demons...
the rest of my heart hopes and prays you found the peace you were desperately searching for.
I can still see the firetruck carrying your casket to the cemetery your sister is buried in...I can still hear the tones ringing across radios in your honor...any time I hear tones my mind goes straight to you...
Your sense of humor was infectious, your laughter contagious and your friendship ever lasting. You could bring me out of a funk, with a wink and a grin...sing that goofy Gorillaz song or break out with something from Saliva... How I miss you.
..I pray your watching over your beautiful children protecting them, their guardian angel...
I hope you know that you are still loved and missed by many...

Friends versus disappointment

Find out who your friends are, find out who you can count on...find yourself in a time of need; a blown out tire, moving day...they're the ones who show up no questions asked, no bribing, no twisting of arms...even if they don't want to, they show up anyway...
Want to know who your friends are, want to know who cares...they're the ones who ask before you speak, who take your kid so you can go to work or have a day to yourself...they give you a hard time with a smile, they help you through the hard times with a smile...they keep your secrets, they know you as good as or better than your spouse...
Find out who your friend are, found out who my friends are...

Little boy

God blessed me with a little boy,
He knew I wasn't frilly and pink or into tutus
He blessed me with a little boy who is ruff and tuff and into cowboy boots
So while I should be raking old dead leaves and cleaning up the yard, we've found a bed of worms
so we are hunting them instead
God blessed me with a little boy,
no pink just blue with a little dirt mixed in too

"a bad day again"

If I knew how to answer you, I would; if I knew what you wanted me to say, I’d say it; if I knew how you wanted me to act, I’d be that way…but I don’t. I only know how to be me, and half the time I’m not really sure how to do that. I don’t know how you want me to act, I don’t know what you want me to do, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be to make you happy. We’ve been down this road before, seems like we come down it more and more often; it’s the same bumps and roadblocks, and it always comes back to I have a bad attitude, I’m negative, I don’t know how to not get upset when something doesn’t go right, full circle always brings it back to me. “Why can’t you talk about it, why can’t you explain, I’m trying to understand, but you don’t make it easy…” Because I don’t know what you want…how am I supposed to handle disappointment? With a smile? How am I supposed to react when something upsets me? With a smile? I’m not covered in syrup; I don’t know how to be sticky sweet. I don’t know how to smile even though I want to scream. I shut up and then I shut down, I get angry and I show it. It’s always the same, “I’m about fed up with your attitude…” what exactly are you going to do? And, what do you want me to do… Yes, I got disappointed over something this morning. Yes, I clamed up so I wouldn’t make a fuss…apparently that wasn’t good enough. Yes, something didn’t go your way this morning and I told you to figure it out and I hung up on you…yes, I didn’t answer you when you called me back. I figured you had an attitude, because I hung up on you and because you were irritated with what had just happened…I told you to figure it out, I had something to do. That did not give you an excuse to blow up on me the way you did…that did not give you the right, to cuss me the way you did, to say the ugly words you spewed at me…that did not give you the right. And then you tell me you apologized earlier for it, no you never actually apologized. And the longer you stood there and talked to me the more your apology started having conditions…if you lost signal, if something had happened and you couldn’t answer your phone, or if there was no signal and you never got my phone calls…I stopped you right there because I knew what was about to come out of your mouth…You know I hung up on you on purpose, and you know I didn’t answer your phone calls… but you kept talking…if those things happen, then I apologize for what I said to you. But…that’s always the word that fucks it all up…but, if none of that happened, then I don’t apologize for what I said…that’s all I needed to hear, and I walked inside. I’m done talking to you, I’m done…I don’t know how to answer you, I don’t know how to be the person you want me to be, I don’t know how to slap a smile on my face and pretend that I’m not hurt, or disappointed, or pissed off, I don’t know how to be someone else or something I’m not. You don’t want me around you when I’m in a bad mood, or having a bad day, or negative…maybe I should go all together. You want to understand, but there is SO much about me you can’t even begin to wrap your mind around…you don’t understand depression, nothing seems to ever upset you except of course me, you don’t understand… I’m to the point I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I need to be, or want to be…

A morning person

I'm by far not a morning person. People that get up with the chickens and are all bubbly get on my nerves...mornings should not come before 10am...no I'm not a morning person to say the least. Anyone that knows me, knows I can't hardly function before 9:30-10 o'clock...but I sit here in my hammock swing, 6:36 am says my phone, drinking my first cup of coffee...watching the sun rise from the east, slowly creeping from behind the trees that are across the highway from me. This is the only time of day I know north, south, east, and west lol...the small pack of hound dogs I've collected chase each other through the dew covered grass as I  sit here watching the world drive by...its peaceful listening to the birds talk to each other so early in the morning ....the sun has finally crested the trees and I catch a quick glimpse of it before it quietly slips behind a cloud...the rest of my house is still asleep, unaware of anything but sweet sleepy dreams. The little bit I slept last night, I tossed, between coughing fits and my right leg going numb...so I sit here, not as a morning person but as someone with too much on her mind, a few things that don't truly have an business being in there, wishing my sinuses would ease up, thankful my leg and foot aren't numb...contemplating a second cup of coffee and settling for watering my garden first...maybe, just maybe I can hose away the things that trouble me...I  could do this morning person thing if it wasn't so early lol.

Reality

…I’m not ready for you. I need one more hour…one more hour listening to the bands play under the stars; one more hour sitting with my best friend talking and laughing; one more hour while the kids play baseball, ride bikes and make new friends; one more hour while the husbands do their thing; one more hour grilling and eating outside; one more hour listening to the preacher…I need one more hour watching lives be saved; one more hour watching the preacher wash away sins…I’m not ready for reality, I’m not ready for everything you have in store for me…I’m not ready for the laundry and the dirty dishes; I’m not ready for the stack of bills waiting to be tackled; I’m not ready…I’m not ready for reality

Up the tree

My husband and his childhood best friend embarked on a mission Easter Sunday to cut limbs down from the oak trees that hung over our friends’ parent’s house. Furious with my camera and zoom lens, because the lens is still broken, I was able to take some really good “still” photos, but unfortunately was unable to capture any limbs as they crashed to the ground. One of my favorites is of them both in the tree; our friend at the bottom and my husband towards the top of the tree with the chainsaw. Not sure how he was elected to use the chainsaw, but still fun to photograph.

I’ve been waiting on perfect timing to photograph this barn. It is one of my favorites in the area. There have been several morning that I drive by on the way to work and fuss cause I didn’t bring my camera. So I made a point to put my camera with my purse so I would remember it and for two days the weather was grey and dreary looking and so not my perfect setting… finally on the third day I was blessed with beautiful spring weather and no traffic, since the barn sits on a highly traveled highway. With its pecan tree in full glory this is what I saw. Of course I am never 100% satisfied with my photographs I believe I have my next venture with this barn roughly thought out…