"a bad day again"

If I knew how to answer you, I would; if I knew what you wanted me to say, I’d say it; if I knew how you wanted me to act, I’d be that way…but I don’t. I only know how to be me, and half the time I’m not really sure how to do that. I don’t know how you want me to act, I don’t know what you want me to do, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be to make you happy. We’ve been down this road before, seems like we come down it more and more often; it’s the same bumps and roadblocks, and it always comes back to I have a bad attitude, I’m negative, I don’t know how to not get upset when something doesn’t go right, full circle always brings it back to me. “Why can’t you talk about it, why can’t you explain, I’m trying to understand, but you don’t make it easy…” Because I don’t know what you want…how am I supposed to handle disappointment? With a smile? How am I supposed to react when something upsets me? With a smile? I’m not covered in syrup; I don’t know how to be sticky sweet. I don’t know how to smile even though I want to scream. I shut up and then I shut down, I get angry and I show it. It’s always the same, “I’m about fed up with your attitude…” what exactly are you going to do? And, what do you want me to do… Yes, I got disappointed over something this morning. Yes, I clamed up so I wouldn’t make a fuss…apparently that wasn’t good enough. Yes, something didn’t go your way this morning and I told you to figure it out and I hung up on you…yes, I didn’t answer you when you called me back. I figured you had an attitude, because I hung up on you and because you were irritated with what had just happened…I told you to figure it out, I had something to do. That did not give you an excuse to blow up on me the way you did…that did not give you the right, to cuss me the way you did, to say the ugly words you spewed at me…that did not give you the right. And then you tell me you apologized earlier for it, no you never actually apologized. And the longer you stood there and talked to me the more your apology started having conditions…if you lost signal, if something had happened and you couldn’t answer your phone, or if there was no signal and you never got my phone calls…I stopped you right there because I knew what was about to come out of your mouth…You know I hung up on you on purpose, and you know I didn’t answer your phone calls… but you kept talking…if those things happen, then I apologize for what I said to you. But…that’s always the word that fucks it all up…but, if none of that happened, then I don’t apologize for what I said…that’s all I needed to hear, and I walked inside. I’m done talking to you, I’m done…I don’t know how to answer you, I don’t know how to be the person you want me to be, I don’t know how to slap a smile on my face and pretend that I’m not hurt, or disappointed, or pissed off, I don’t know how to be someone else or something I’m not. You don’t want me around you when I’m in a bad mood, or having a bad day, or negative…maybe I should go all together. You want to understand, but there is SO much about me you can’t even begin to wrap your mind around…you don’t understand depression, nothing seems to ever upset you except of course me, you don’t understand… I’m to the point I don’t know who I am, I don’t know who I need to be, or want to be…

A morning person

I'm by far not a morning person. People that get up with the chickens and are all bubbly get on my nerves...mornings should not come before 10am...no I'm not a morning person to say the least. Anyone that knows me, knows I can't hardly function before 9:30-10 o'clock...but I sit here in my hammock swing, 6:36 am says my phone, drinking my first cup of coffee...watching the sun rise from the east, slowly creeping from behind the trees that are across the highway from me. This is the only time of day I know north, south, east, and west lol...the small pack of hound dogs I've collected chase each other through the dew covered grass as I  sit here watching the world drive by...its peaceful listening to the birds talk to each other so early in the morning ....the sun has finally crested the trees and I catch a quick glimpse of it before it quietly slips behind a cloud...the rest of my house is still asleep, unaware of anything but sweet sleepy dreams. The little bit I slept last night, I tossed, between coughing fits and my right leg going numb...so I sit here, not as a morning person but as someone with too much on her mind, a few things that don't truly have an business being in there, wishing my sinuses would ease up, thankful my leg and foot aren't numb...contemplating a second cup of coffee and settling for watering my garden first...maybe, just maybe I can hose away the things that trouble me...I  could do this morning person thing if it wasn't so early lol.

Reality

…I’m not ready for you. I need one more hour…one more hour listening to the bands play under the stars; one more hour sitting with my best friend talking and laughing; one more hour while the kids play baseball, ride bikes and make new friends; one more hour while the husbands do their thing; one more hour grilling and eating outside; one more hour listening to the preacher…I need one more hour watching lives be saved; one more hour watching the preacher wash away sins…I’m not ready for reality, I’m not ready for everything you have in store for me…I’m not ready for the laundry and the dirty dishes; I’m not ready for the stack of bills waiting to be tackled; I’m not ready…I’m not ready for reality

Up the tree

My husband and his childhood best friend embarked on a mission Easter Sunday to cut limbs down from the oak trees that hung over our friends’ parent’s house. Furious with my camera and zoom lens, because the lens is still broken, I was able to take some really good “still” photos, but unfortunately was unable to capture any limbs as they crashed to the ground. One of my favorites is of them both in the tree; our friend at the bottom and my husband towards the top of the tree with the chainsaw. Not sure how he was elected to use the chainsaw, but still fun to photograph.

I’ve been waiting on perfect timing to photograph this barn. It is one of my favorites in the area. There have been several morning that I drive by on the way to work and fuss cause I didn’t bring my camera. So I made a point to put my camera with my purse so I would remember it and for two days the weather was grey and dreary looking and so not my perfect setting… finally on the third day I was blessed with beautiful spring weather and no traffic, since the barn sits on a highly traveled highway. With its pecan tree in full glory this is what I saw. Of course I am never 100% satisfied with my photographs I believe I have my next venture with this barn roughly thought out…

Barn of yester-year

This is the barn that started my “barn daze”. I took this one back the end of July, it’s on the same road as the last barn, just a few miles apart. I’ve noticed that the cute little barns seem to be hidden away, if you are driving by most likely you’ll miss them. This one is tucked up amongst the trees. I was lucky enough to capture it in the sunlight the day I took these pictures; most of the time when I drive by it is covered in shade. The barn itself is a little on the plane side so I played with the coloring a little which gave it a more nostalgic look. I reduced the images so that they would upload faster to my blog, when I did I noticed the clouds in the next to last picture. The other pictures are clsoe ups to the barn, but the last picture I stepped back to include the fence so my focus whenever I've looked at this particular picture has been the fecne, but tonight I noticed the clouds in the background. Pretty neat.

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Peaking in

I pass this little barn just about every morning when I go to take care of the horses. From one direction it sneaks up on you, I’ve driven past it many times before I realized it was even there. There are a few breaks in the fence that is not grown over with vines. This particular opening makes you feel like you are peaking in on someone’s private moment. This is one of my favorite barns so far.

This second picture is of the same little barn, but I chose to focus on the fence that separated me from the little barn. I don’t believe I am done with this setting just yet. There are a couple other breaks in the fence that one can peak through and get another glimpse of the barn. One morning when I’m not in a hurry I’ll stop again.